There was a time in my life when I believed adults who said things like:
“Just sleep earlier.”
So one night, I did it.
I became one of those responsible bedtime people.
At 9:30 PM, I was already in pajamas.
At 9:45 PM, I drank herbal tea that tasted like hot sadness.
At 10:00 PM, I was in bed whispering:
“Tomorrow will be different.”
Tomorrow was, in fact, different.
I was somehow MORE tired.
Not normal tired either.
I woke up exhausted in ways science hasn’t explained yet.
You know that feeling when your alarm rings and your soul quietly leaves your body before you do?
That.
I don’t understand how I can sleep 8 hours and still wake up like I lost a fight in my dreams.
Meanwhile, some people sleep 4 hours and say terrifying things like:
“I feel refreshed!”
Who are these people?
Are they sponsored by batteries?
I tried improving my sleep routine.
- No phone before bed
- No caffeine after 6 PM
- Cool room temperature
- Relaxing music
Now I just lie in silence thinking about embarrassing moments from 2014.
At one point I even bought one of those sleep tracking apps.
The app had the audacity to tell me:
“Your sleep quality was poor.”
Oh really?
Thank you, Detective Mattress.
Then there’s the greatest lie ever told:
“Go to bed early and you’ll wake up energized.”
Incorrect.
I once slept at 9 PM and woke up feeling like I had been hit by a medieval wagon.
And somehow, on the nights I accidentally sleep at 2 AM after watching videos titled “Why Medieval Chickens Were Smaller”, I wake up feeling amazing.
Explain that.
My body treats sleep like a prank.
- Sleep early = exhausted
- Sleep late = oddly powerful
- Nap for 20 minutes = reborn
- Nap for 3 hours = transported to another dimension
And naps are dangerous because you never know what kind of nap you’re taking.
Sometimes it’s:
“Ah, refreshing.”
Other times it’s:
“What year is it?”
The worst part is setting multiple alarms like that’s going to solve anything.
I don’t need 7 alarms.
I need a life coach standing beside my bed with a trumpet and emotional support pancakes.
Morning motivation quotes also don’t help.
“Wake up and chase your dreams!”
Ma’am, I’m trying to chase consciousness.
At this point, I’ve accepted the truth:
My body doesn’t want sleep.
It wants negotiations.
Every night is basically me trying to convince my brain to shut down while my brain suddenly remembers:
- a cringe conversation from 8 years ago
- a random song lyric
- whether penguins have knees
- taxes
- death
- snacks
So yes, I go to bed early.
And somehow I still wake up feeling late for a meeting I don’t even have.
